


Stranger Than Fiction

by Ladytalon



Series: The Doctors Light [18]
Category: DCU (Comics)
Genre: F/M, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-09
Updated: 2015-05-09
Packaged: 2018-03-29 16:34:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3903223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ladytalon/pseuds/Ladytalon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some personalized birthday gifts would be better if they're just a coffee mug.  <b>EARTH-14</b></p>
            </blockquote>





	Stranger Than Fiction

  
  
_Noah unbuckled his belt and slit it free of the loops with a jerk that sent the length of leather snapping across the room to strike the table lamp, knocking it onto the floor. His glasses were fogged with his rising desire and despite his obvious need, he stuck his finger behind the lenses to wipe them because he couldn’t see her anymore. “Oh, Liz,” Noah growled. “I’m going to fuck you so hard we’ll be making _twins_ tonight.”_

_What a fucking nerd, Elizabeth thought to herself. “I certainly hope so.” She patted the bed beside her, wondering if the lamp that he knocked over was broken. She’d never liked the thing anyway. “C’mere, stud.”_

_“You’ll have to be patient if you want some of **this** ,” Noah said with a roguish grin as he pumped his hips suggestively. “I promise to make it worth the wait, little lady.” _

_Oh, for God’s sake._

_Noah lifted both hands straight into the air and shimmied to one side in unconscious imitation of a peacock performing a mating dance, intent upon snaring the perfect mate. Elizabeth watched patiently as first one sock, and then the other soared into the air. She had to admit that she’d never dreamed that he could shake his hips like that, but that skill would definitely come in handy if the man would ever actually get around to getting in the damned bed with her. “Noah.”_

_“Ooh yeah, baby. I know you want it,” he said, giving his hips another brisk shimmy that caused his double-creased dress slacks to slide down to his knees. Noah reached down to give the elastic of his y-fronts a snap and tossed her a wink from over his shoulder._

_She could tell that this was going to take forever unless she pulled out the big guns._

_So to speak._

_Elizabeth appreciated the lengths to which he was going, even if the length to which **she** wanted to go was currently still jiggling at the foot of the bed wrapped in white cotton Fruit of the Looms. Maybe if she sent him an email, he’d finally get down to business. She actually knew a few tricks that never failed to get Noah going, and gave him a fond smile as she reached into the drawer of her bedside table and withdrew her brand new sex toy. “I got a new book yesterday,” she said, stroking her fingers over the cover or _ The Hacker Playbook: Practical Guide to Penetration Testing _suggestively. Elizabeth definitely had something she’d love for him to test with a penetration._

_“Where did you get that?” Noah asked huskily, wiping his glasses again._

_She reached a hand behind her back to pop the clasp of her bra in order to free the other two big guns. “I was walking through downtown,” Elizabeth said quietly, “and then I **saw** it. The neon sign was flashing so brightly, I felt as if everyone could see me pause beneath it. After all, what would they say if they saw me walk through that door?”_

_Noah swallowed hard, rubbing at the exposed patch of chest that showed through his button-up shirt. “The…the sign was..?”_

_“Yes,” Elizabeth moaned, discarding her bra and cupping one of her breasts while she resumed stroking the book’s spine with the other. “I felt like such a **bad** girl, Noah. So **dirty**.”_

_His glasses were completely opaque with steam, and his chest heaved. “Dirty. Yes. Yes, Liz. You’re such a dirty girl.”_

_She spread her legs and settled the book on her left knee. “I walked in through that door, Noah. I walked in, and do you know what I saw there?” she lowered her voice to a rough whisper, and he groaned in response. “I saw **books**. So many thick **books** \- big, thick books with hard covers. The covers were so **hard** , Noah. And the pages…”_

_Noah shuffled closer, his pants still trapping his lower legs. “What was in the pages, dirty girl? Tell me what was in those **pages**.”_

_“Python language,” Elizabeth panting. “I’ve never read anything like it. I felt as if everyone else there was staring at me as I turned the pages – my hands trembled.”_

_He licked his lips and swallowed convulsively. “R-really? You like Py…Python language?”_

_Elizabeth placed her thumb and forefinger around the thick spine of the book, sliding her hand up and down in a gesture that made Noah groan appreciatively. “Let me read you a sample, shall I?” She sucked her index finger into her mouth in mimicry of oral sex, making Noah attempt to kick his trousers off frantically, then released it from her lips with a pop before using her dampened finger to flip the pages. “‘Python reserves memory space for variables when the programmer declares them,’” Elizabeth moaned._

_Her sexy computer nerd grasped the front of his shirt and ripped it as though he were Superman emerging from a phone booth to save a kitten trapped in a tree. One of the buttons hit her directly in the forehead, and a far-off tinkling sound came from her shelf of knickknacks, one of them emerging as a casualty of Noah’s overwhelming passion. The pants flew across the room to land upon her cat, who immediately got up to head for safety – Elizabeth caught sight of Noah’s pants seemingly sliding out of the room by themselves. “I’m ready to declare them,” Noah said roughly. “I’m going to declare those variables, Lizzie, I swear to **God** I’ll declare them.”_

_She didn’t think it would take much longer for him to actually get up there and fuck her, so Elizabeth reached down to hook a finger in the crotch panel of her lacy panties and slide them aside for easy access. “My port is ready, Noah. Make like a USB connector and **stick** it **in**.”_

_“Oh my God, Lizzie.” Noah shoved down his underwear and leapt onto the bed. “Don’t stop, baby, keep **reading**.”_

_Elizabeth spread her legs and repositioned the book. “Give me your data entry, naughty boy. I want it **all**.” Noah clambered over her to lift her hips, keeping himself poised just out of reach while she reached up to prop the book against his bare shoulder. He was literally shaking with excitement. “‘The programmer does not have to-’” He thrust into her so vigorously, Elizabeth slid up and nearly hit the headboard as a result of his lusty exuberance. Yes, this was more like it. “‘-to explicitly declare the type of variable; rather, the Python interpreter…”_

_“Tell me what it does; **tell me now**!”_

_“Oh, I’ll **tell** you, Noah. I’m going to tell you over and over again,” she promised the furiously pumping nerd between her legs. “But you have to beg me, first.”_

_Noah was still going to town on her pussy; nothing on Earth could have stopped him. “Please, Lizzie. **Please** tell me what the Python interpreter does,” he gasped frantically._

_Elizabeth didn’t think she’d ever enjoyed anything half as much – the computer books were cheaper than an actual sex toy that required batteries, and it never mattered how entry-level they were. The mere mention of an HDMI cable was enough to turn the man into a raving sex maniac and once he actually got to work, a good time was had by all. “‘The Python interpreter decides the – ah! – type of the variable and how much – oh my **God** , Noah – space in the memory to reserve.’”_

_“Yes. **Yes** , baby!”_

_“‘Considering the – ooooooh, yes – following example, we declare a string – right **there**! Right there! – a list, and a Boolean…’”_

_She grasped a handful of his hair while he motorboated her so briskly that his glasses flew off. “Jesus, Liz, say that **again** ,” Noah demanded. “I want to hear you say it again!”_

_“Boolean,” she breathed, receiving a strong thrust that almost knocked the book from her hand. “ **Boolean** , Noah, **Boooooleannnnnn!** ”_

_“I know that’s not all, I know there’s more,” Noah insisted breathlessly. “There’s more and I’m going to fuck the sentence right out of you!”_

_Her legs were hauled into the air and the book slid from her grasp to land right on her face, her nose holding it open at her place. Elizabeth lifted it up high in order to get a good look at both the pages and Noah’s face. “‘a Boolean, and’”_

_“And **what**?!”_

_“‘and the interpreter correctly’”_

_“What does the interpreter **do** , Lizzie?” Noah howled._

_Elizabeth screamed out in enjoyment of all that Noah eagerly pumped in and out of her. “Noah!!! ‘the interpreter correctly automatically types – ohhhhhh, **harder** , I’m so close…!”_

_“Elizabeth Harris, I swear to God you’d better tell me what it types!”_

_“‘each…. **variable** ’!” she called out as her orgasm struck her like the Blue Screen of Death._

_Noah reared up, and came like the Amtrak Empire Service 256 on Sunday-_

 

“Wait, wait – you can’t put that in there!” Arthur interrupts, wiping at his eyes. “He doesn’t even take the train.”

Kimiyo sighs and drags the mouse to highlight the last sentence. “It doesn’t matter if _he_ takes it or not – Liz does, which is why I wrote it.”

“Okay, point taken. But you still can’t just leave it like that,” her husband argues. “I mean, you _can_ , but maybe add something really nerdy about breaching a firewall or… um, what the hell is it called…?”

She thinks that a physicist is the last person who should be calling someone else a nerd, but to mention this aloud would derail their conversation and their ‘collaborative effort’ might never be finished in time. “How about ‘the firewall of his heart was breached’? That sounds good.”

Arthur kicks his feet into the air, examining the toes of his boots. “Yes, let’s use it… but if both of them come, you’re supposed to describe at least one in more detail than the other; romance novels do that all the time. Oh, _oh_! ‘His compressed data stream filled her with _megabytes of love_.’”

Kimiyo laughs and swivels the chair back towards the computer, reaching for the keyboard. “That’s a good one.” She finishes up the story with occasional input from Arthur, who’s still sprawled on the floor where he’d fallen off the bed laughing at the ‘USB port’ bit. They double-check for errors and her emotional recital of their literary masterpiece soon has Arthur running for the bathroom because he’s laughing so hard that he swears he’ll wet his pants. Her own bladder control is perilous at best at the moment, so she heads to the other bathroom just to be on the safe side.

They’ve already copied and pasted both of the Kuttler’s faces on a romance novel cover, so all that’s left to do is wait for the printer. “It’s too bad we thought of this at the last minute,” Arthur says, rummaging through the desk drawer for a stapler. “I know a guy who knows another guy who could get this printed more or less professionally.”

“He’ll like this just as much, even if it’s not too fancy,” she says, printing another copy so they can read it again later. Besides, if it makes Calculator very angry they might lose the file completely and Kimiyo isn’t willing to risk it. “Did you get a bag? I thought we had some wrapping paper somewhere.”

Arthur staples both copies and hands one back to her. “No, I thought we did but it’s all children’s birthday paper. Let’s just stop by the drug store and get a gift bag. Hide that somewhere in case he gets whatshisname in here to look for a hard copy.”

“Hard copy,” she repeats, and they both giggle like they’re twelve years old getting their hands on smut for the very first time.

They hand-deliver their labor of love…which really means that they drop the bag on Noah’s doorstep, ring the doorbell, then shush each other repeatedly because they’re trying so hard not to laugh. Arthur warps the light around them and Kimiyo claps her hand over his mouth as they huddle in the bushes. “Shh!”

“ _You_ ssh; here he comes! Be _quiet!_ ”

Noah comes out and stares down at the bright yellow bag with the words _Happy Birthday, Old Fart!_ emblazoned upon it. There’s also a balloon. Kimiyo yanks at the collar of her suit to bring it up over her mouth and glances over at Arthur to see him curling his lips over his teeth and shaking with silent laughter. Noah bends to pick it up, glancing around curiously, and slides their manuscript out. “What the…!”

Kimiyo buries her face in Arthur’s shoulder, fighting to suppress the high-pitched whine threatening to burst from her throat, and knocks him off-balance so that they both fall into the hedge. Calculator’s head whips around and they manage to scrape together enough self-control to create an illusion of birds flying out of the bushes – Noah frowns, shakes his head, and takes his balloon back in the house with him. Arthur has been reduced to rocking back and forth helplessly while she’s trying to shove her entire fist into her mouth so that they don’t give themselves away because the windows are open and Noah’s standing just inside the door reading his birthday gift.

“The _fuck_? Hacker Playbook?!?!” Noah tears off his glasses and brings the page close to his face. “Who the _hell_ …”

He walks further into the house and they teleport back, laughing so hard that Kimiyo has to take another bathroom break. “You think he knows we did it?” she asks when their hysteria has died down to the occasional snort.

“No way. There’s absolutely no reason to suspect-” his sentence is cut off by the landline ringing, and Arthur checks the caller ID. “Shit, it’s him.”

Kimiyo motions towards the phone frantically. “Pick it up, pick it up! He’ll figure it out for sure if we don’t answer.”

“Okay, here I go.” Arthur takes a few deep breaths, then yanks the phone from its cradle. “Noah? Hey, man… what’s up? Oh… oh, that’s right! Happy Birthday. What, me? No, we’ve been home all day…yeah… what, seriously?”

He certainly sounds calm enough, if you weren’t there to see him squirming like a toddler doing the potty dance, Kimiyo thinks to herself. She steps in and takes the phone away so Arthur can feel free to fling himself on the bed and scream into a pillow. “Noah! How are you? I hear it’s your birthday – which one is this, twenty-five?”

Noah laughs appreciatively. “ _Yes, let’s say twenty-five. I was actually just asking Arthur if he knew anything about a mysterious_ package _that showed up on my doorstep about fifteen minutes or so ago._ ”

Oh, God. “A surprise gift on your birthday? That sounds nice,” Kimiyo says cautiously. “It doesn’t say who it’s from?”

“ _No, it doesn’t,_ ” Noah replies. “ _Something about it just seemed to have Arthur’s name written all over it_.”

“Yes, well, I know he enjoys surprising his friends but I doubt that it was him – he didn’t leave my sight all day,” Kimiyo says. “Are you doing anything special tonight?”

Noah laughs. “ _Actually, I am. As you know, I’ve been seeing Elizabeth again, and she’s asked me to dinner._ ”

“Really? Wow, that’s great – I’m really happy for you, Noah,” she says sincerely. “I just talked with her last week and she mentioned some plans for your birthday, now that I think of it.”

“ _Perhaps we can all get together soon, if things continue to progress as smoothly as they have been_ ,” Noah says. Kimiyo agrees that it would be nice and breathes a sigh of relief at his next words. “ _Anyway, that’s all I wanted to call and ask about – if it’s not from Arthur, then that’s that._.”

Kimiyo looks down at Arthur, who has his arms wrapped around the pillow and is doing more deep breathing in case Noah asks her to pass the phone to him. “I’m sorry we can’t help you.”

“ _There’s just one more small thing though, Kim… I hate to bother you with it, really._ ”

“Oh, it’s no bother – what can I help with?” she asks.

Noah clears his throat. “ _Well, I was wondering if it_ wasn’t _Arthur… why would there be a recently deleted file with the exact same text in it on_ your _computer?_ ”

Busted.

Kimiyo looks down at her beloved husband, and throws him under the bus without a second thought. “That’s because it was him.”

“Hey!” Arthur yells.

“ _Nice try. I’d say it was past time for_ both _of you to upgrade… oh, and Kim? For future reference, a technologically inclined person is called a ‘geek’ –_ you’re _the one with a nerd on your hands. I’m glad we had this talk_.” Noah hangs up on her, and she looks around for her laptop just in time to see smoke rising from the keyboard.

“Shit! I had important documents on that thing,” Kimiyo swears, pressing her hands against her forehead. “Quick, go unplug the desktop.”

Arthur ‘ports to the kitchen. “Blue screen,” he calls out.

The only electronics that have survived Noah’s wrath are the children’s things but those get unplugged just in case Calculator changes his mind.

“Next year,” Kimiyo declares, “We’re just getting that man a giftcard.”


End file.
